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Porn store….6am….phone rings…..it’s a creepy guy who sounds like he’s hiding behind someone’s couch.

Creepy Guy: “Do you have an arcade with private viewing rooms?”

Me: “Yes we do.”

Creepy Guy: “How does it work?  I mean like…how do guys….you know, like…hook up back there?”

Bullshit.  This guy knows exactly how these things work.

Me: “If you hang out back there in the shark tank for any extended period of time, you won’t need anyone to explain how the hooking up part works.”

Creepy Guy: “Ok….I’ll come down there and check it out.”

Hangs up…..phone rings again 30 seconds later…..guess who?

Creepy Guy: “If I come down there, will you be there?”

Me: “Yeah, for another hour.”

Creepy Guy: “Will you go back there with me and…..help me with my fantasy?”

I’ve been awake and working for the better part of the last 30 hours….I don’t need this shit.

Me: “No.”

Creepy Guy: “Ok….well, I’ll come down and check it out anyway.”

Hangs up….phone rings again 30 seconds later….I answer in my “I don’t need this shit” voice.

Me: “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”

Creepy Guy: “Oh, I’m sorry.  I just wanted to call back and say I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Me: (trying not to laugh) “That’s ok.  Bye…..”

I hang up and consider leaving the phone off the hook, but this is at least slightly more entertaining than perusing the latest issue of “Forced Womanhood”.  This time it takes him about 45 seconds to call back.

Me: “Look, this is funny and everything, but here’s the bottom line:  You can’t afford me.”

Creepy Guy: “Why not?”

Me: “Because….I’ve got a hot ass and it’s very very……….expensive.   So…..forget it.”

Creepy Guy: “But it’s my fantasy to be with the guy running the store.”

Me: “Then call back after 7….the guy coming on after me will take care of you.”

Actually the guy coming on at 7 is….well….we’ll just call him The Heavy. If the porn shop were a hockey team The Heavy would be our goon.  I’ve seen The Heavy go after groups of guys twice his size and if they are foolish enough to not back down….they all receive a merciless beatdown.  His motto is, “I’m just waiting to die, so I’ll take a few of you with me.”  Just don’t mess with this guy….trust me. And sure enough, the phone rings at 7:05.  The Heavy answers and immediately sounds annoyed.  The conversation is even funnier because I can only hear his half of it.

The Heavy: “No….I’m here now, what can I do for you?  Your what?  (voice switches over to the “I’m going to kill you” mode) Yeah sure…..I can help you with your fantasy…..as long as your fantasy is being face down on the pavement while I stomp your friggin’ head in!  I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!”

Sometimes I love this place.  DVD title of the week? “Diesel Dongs 4″

     Being a working rock musician and a smut king, I thought that I was the saddest, loneliest most hopelessly detached individual in Portland.   Apparently not…..this guy comes in tonight and spends about ninety minutes closely inspecting every damn blow up sex doll in the store.  I’m pretty thick skinned in this place by now, but I’ve gotta say….this guy gave me the creeps just a little bit.  It gets weirder…..it always does. After he finds his perfect synthetic match, he picks out a package of….condoms.  Is this just to make the experience more realistic or is he actually afraid of getting a doll pregnant?  Perhaps he doesn’t want his new ladyfriend to catch whatever STD’s he might happen to have.  Whatever it might be, I don’t judge….I just try to make it through the night.  6:22am…..38 minutes to go…..I made it.

     Title of the week?  “Drowning In Bitch Juice 3″, which is I assume from the fine folks who brought you “Drowning In Bitch Juice 2″ and the original “Drowning In Bitch Juice”.

I don’t know what was up with people acting like complete buffoons tonight….and it started before I even made through the front door!  Walking in off the street some moron throws ice at me from a passing car….it misses me and hits a guy walking the other way.  Maybe they actually intended to hit him in the first place, but either way …you’re ASSHOLES whoever threw that, and I sincerely hope that you lose control of your vehicle during one of your ice hurling escapades, slide into a parked gasoline tanker and die a horrible fiery death.  You are a complete and utter waste of space….the city of Portland and the planet in general would be vastly improved by the end of your existence.  And wait….there’s more!  Believe it or not, I’m actually in a good mood right now….

THEN….a young man who apparently took advantage of some “Day After 9/11 Crack Cocaine Sale” comes in and makes one of the most feeble attempts at shoplifting I’ve ever witnessed in all my retail years.  Seriously….this guy was like a reject from the Petty Theft Special Olympics…..we’ll simply call him “The Shithead“.  So….what does The Shithead do when he notices me noticing him trying to shove a large sex device down his pants?  He trips over a metal shelf trying to put the thing back and slurs something about how “…it’s cool.” and “…I’m just tipsy from drinking at the bar.”  Instead of leaving at that very appropriate moment, he decides to hang out, shop some more and even asks me for a cigarette on the way out.  I just stare menacingly at him, twirling the large can of mace we keep under the counter.  Eventually the cops show up looking for him…..it seems some employees of other establishments on the street have called in complaints.  I hope you get pistol whipped by a psychotic deputy and buggered in the drunk tank…..SHITHEAD!!!  Strangely, I make significantly more in tips tonight than ever.

Title of the week?  “WHO LET THE WHORES OUT?”

I won’t be doing my normal Sunday night/Monday morning recap of the weekend because, (here comes the shameless self promotion…) WIZARD BOOTS will be doing what Wizard Boots does best this Sunday night….playing live.  So come down to Mississippi, grab a beer and a slice….sit back and enjoy these three fine strapping young lads for only 3 BUCKS!!!  Supporting live music should always be this cheap.

WIZARD BOOTS/LANCE DIHAUER/DJANGO - MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB - 3552 North Mississippi Ave. - SUNDAY 9/14 - Music starts at 9pm - ONLY 3 BUCKS!!!

3:56am…about 3 hours away from 7am Monday morning, which is 5pm Friday for me.  Sunday morning as I finally crashed, my body decided that the three or four hours of sleep I’d been getting every 24-36 hours wasn’t cutting it……so I slept through the entire day and woke up to the night.  I once had a conversation with a bartender in another part of the country about how neither of us trusted the “daytime” people….the 9 to 5′ers.  Frank Zappa felt the same way and in his book described their daytime activities as “scurrying”…you go out in the daytime and there are all of these people running around…what are they up to?  I don’t really know and I don’t think I want to know what all this scurrying about is supposed to accomplish.  Perhaps it has something to do with shopping?

Anyway, back here in the nocturnal world where everything seems to slow down, and the surreal seems normal….we’ve got the usual revolving door of freaks, prostitutes, drug dealers, strippers and sexual deviants.  A pretty tame weekend actually…..here are a few memorable moments:

A woman who asked for a certain type of device that I’d never heard of, designed to do something to the vagina that I do not know how to describe.  Told her that we sold balloons…would that work?

A cute girl….alone…..a definite rarity in this place.  We talked briefly….there seemed to be some chemistry there….and then….she paid for her merchandise and walked towards the exit.  I quickly tried to think of some witty way to get her phone number and all I could come up with was, “Hope that works out for you.” I’m an idiot.

A guy in a leather trench coat walking around the store….when he walks up to the counter he opens the coat up enough that I can see he’s wearing women’s underwear underneath.  Might have fazed me a few months ago, but now someone like this guy seems much more normal to me than the people who work at the bank.  “Nice bra” I say.

Another guy who tells me about this new device that is all the rage with women in Germany.  Apparently they spend 5-6 hours at a time strapped into this thing and no longer define their sexuality as straight or gay….they simply need nothing but the machine.  We discuss a future where men will become obsolete.  Perhaps we’ll become slaves of the superwomen of the future….only if the United States government doesn’t get us all killed first.

4:37am now…..come on Monday morning.  Have fun at work 9 to 5′ers!  Porn title of the week?  “BLOWJOB NINJAS 3″

It’s 3:57am as I type this…I’m watching the campy 80’s remake of “Flash Gordon” on the store’s monitor.  A guy dressed in cowboy attire who I’m pretty sure is whacked out on steroids & coke suddenly asks, “Hey, you ever used one of these?” indicating a pocket vagina simulator.  “No.” I answer.  “Why not?” “Hmmmmm….just not my thing man.”  Then he wants to know why I’m watching this bad movie when I can watch any porno out of the thousands of pornos at my fingertips.  “Because being able to watch any porno I want makes me not want to watch porno…..plus, this movie kicks fucking ass.”  This statement is confirmed by the next guy who walks in.  “What are you watching?  OOOOHHHH…is this FLASH GORDON? AWESOME!!!”

Staying up all night and not letting your guard down in this place is definitely an art…..and I am the artist.  Customer nonsense is usually entertaing enough to keep me alert and occupied, but some other all night activities include:

1. The above mentioned enjoyment of fine cinema.  Tonight I also watched the eerie 20’s horror flick, “The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari” and since it’s a silent film, I blast Nick Cave, Bauhaus and Danzig for an appropriate soundtrack.

2. Filling up all those pesky credit card application prepaid return envelopes I’ve saved with naked pictures and various smut to be mailed later.

3. Playing my guitar.  Sometimes this guy who carries around a bunch of harmonicas comes in and we have a little impromptu concert right here in the store.  Last week we played for about two and half hours.

4. Calling up the girls dorms as various local colleges and breathing heavily into the phone and grunting, “UGGGGHHHHHHHHH……I’m a corporate raider…..I orchestrate hostile takeovers…..what do think of that BITCH?”  Just kidding…..stole that one from “American Psycho”, which is in my current rotation of books I’m reading.

5. Sneaking into the arcade (aka The Sharktank, aka The Zoo) in back, which is a bunch of private viewing booths where all manner of sleazery goes down, waiting until it’s really quiet back there and then yell as loud as I can, “MR SMITH!!!  MR SMITH!!!  YOUR WIFE IS ON THE PHONE FOR YOU!!!”

Favorite porn title of the week?  “ANAL STIR-FRY #2″ Yum.