Hi there Advice Guy.
So here’s my dilemma. My wife has been out of town for a while and I want to give her something nice when she gets back. I’m currently debating between a Wii Fit or flowers. Any advice here?
BB – Portland
Well BB, it’s like this.
Wii Fit: Unless she’s been dropping hints, or else coming right out and asking for it, you’re about to inform her that she’s fat and you would much rather be doing anything OTHER than her. So, clearly, this isn’t a good idea.
Flowers: Even though flowers are a nice and traditional gift, they also pretty much communicate that you care about her enough to give her a gift that either 1) dies within days of giving it to her, or else 2) requires daily maintenance to keep alive for a precious few days beyond their original shelf life. Either way, flowers die… unless you get her fakes, you cheap jerk. So, obviously, this isn’t a good idea either.
So what to do? Well, it’s an obvious answer. Porn.
I know, you’re thinking “Porn? Why Porn?” Well, porn is the best gift because it keeps on giving. Plus it also communicates the following messages:
1) I really want to try something new and exotic with you
2) I think you’re as hot as these people
3) I’m drunk and have access to the bank account
Of course, it also potentially communicates that you want to have a career that involves countless bizarre sex acts coupled with a raging drug addiction, but hey.. you make an omlette, you break some eggs.
Being in Portland, you have a great number of locations to help you out. Do not buy from the Internet my friend. Make it a personal thing. There are several Fantasy Adult Bookstore locations about the city, not to mention the always popular Spartacus Leathers. Both offer a great selection of dirty films that will help you welcome home your loving wife.
Or else usher in a bitter and wholly unpleasant divorce. Either way, at least you aren’t telling her she’s fat.
BTW folks. I’m the new guy around here! Need some advice? Well, we’re still figuring out a way to get advice requests in, so for now just feel free to send an email to authors at ourpdx dot net, or else just leave your request in the comments. Think you can give better advice? Then feel free to leave a comment as well. Thanks for reading folks!
*** EDIT: want advice? Feel free to send it to adviceguy at ourpdx dot com! ***
{ 7 comments }
Maybe he could do a combination of all three. Surely they could come up with something funky to do with porn, the wii, and flowers that would be a nice welcome home present.
@Gabe Barber:
Well, there is that possibility. But I’m not sure I’d want to see the combination of a Wii Fit, flowers, and porn…
Wait. Unless his chick is hot.. then I might want to MAKE porn of a couple enjoying a Wii Fit, some flowers, and porn.
If I make a porn, of a porn, is that art? *hmmm*
No no no no no. The porn angle is inventive, but that’s not the move here. She does NOT need to get the idea that he’s been up to freaky-deaky things while she was out of town.
Instead, he buys the Wii fit *for himself*, and tells her it is so he can get his bod in shape *for her*. Then one day while he’s on it he happens to show her how it works, and POW, she’s hooked. Pretty soon he’s staring at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW0dXhNtvmc
Or he could just get her some jewelry.
@Matt Y: Wait a minute. That video pretty much proves I’m right. So maybe you do have a point.
Wii Fit – flowers + porn + camera = Epic WIN!
Jewelry? Are you insane? Wait, that’s a whole other rant..
Porn rules….it’s paid my bills for almost a year now.
@wizardboots: exactly. Porn solves so many of life’s problems.
BTW, looks like you’ll be in my old home in March. Tulsa, OK. If you get a chance, try to go by KoKoa Chocolatier (http://www.kokoachocolatier.com/index.php) while you’re there and snap up some truffles. I recommend the Key Lime truffle and the Miss Jackson’s truffle.
And since you’ll be downtown, to go Mexicali Border cafe for dinner too. It’s damn good mexican food!
@Advice Guy – Yeah, I’ve got a bunch of friends in Tulsa, so we’re looking forward to playing there. Not too big on the truffle shuffle, but going for all the great Mexican food we can get….will check out Mexicali. Thanks!
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