(C’mon - where else but OurPDX do you get titles like that?)

Every time the global economy collapses, I always do two things: Stop showering, because what the hell for, and start writing a potentially unfinishable novel, because why the hell not. Well, that and an ancillary task that involves solace in the company of soul food and cooking sherry, to which my various organs will later testify during their brief furlough in a very unlucky donor-recipient’s body.

If you have significant vices that will be taking over your approaching holiday season, why not join the rest of us all-ages spinsters, wafflers, and on-grid/off-grid PDX nere-do-wells (with short attention spans) in a rousing chorus of that Haley Mills classic, “Let’s write together, Yeah Yeah Yeah! This Month Only! No Credit Checks!”

National Novel Writing Month (or, “NaNoWriMo” - say it, don’t spray it) (NaNoWriMo.org) is, “a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.”

Thus, at the stroke of a dark and stoooooormy midnight begins a frenzy of writers using knicker-tickling adjectives and medically questionable uvula exercises (it helps if you make clicking and purring sounds while writing - try it) to express what has, until this moment, been locked away in the dark recesses of their truly fictional minds. (Wait. that came out wrong). The Portland contingent is gathering force in the writing underworld, not unlike a killer scribbling fungus. That uses Twitter.

Need a subject to write about? Need a character? Need a mortgage? No Problem! That is WHY you should join the us. NaNoWriMo writers include experts in all currently unemployable fields, including my writerly self (Want to hire me? Did I mention I can cry on demand?), just waiting to offer free advice and creative solutions to your storycrafter’s woes. We’re like quilters, really, in that way.

Need more? Not sure if this is for you? Why sign up today? Well my friends, if you sign up in the next 20 minutes I’ll give you this steaming hot idea totally free…A unique, engaging, and original concept that is guaranteed to kick-start your very own Motorcycle Diary (but you must act fast):

You could write a series about a detective cleaning agency called “Dustbusters” (if there is indeed, something strange, in your neighborhood), whose main character falls into a hole and cleans his/her way out of this mess he/she has gotten into, thanks to those meddling kids, who are also pre-pubescent wizards attending magic school, where they have a flying stick program and haunted bathrooms.

See how easy that was? I just wrote that, just there. And you can too!

But wait - you want more? Well How About THIS:

The wonderful folks at CubeSpace are going to GIVE YOU $100 Dollars! OK, my words, not theirs. But they are…I better let them explain:

“CubeSpace is reaching out to all of you budding novelists out there. In honor of NaNoWriMo, CubeSpace is offering a special deal for writers. Anyone who is registered for NaNoWriMo can get a membership at CubeSpace for only $150 (normally it is $250). That means unlimited usage when we are open, M-Th 7am-9pm, Friday 7am-7pm, Saturday 10am-6pm. CubeSpace offers both WiFi and ethernet connections for users. We have a phone-free quiet space, as well as a phone-area (with active noise dampening) for those who need a little background buzz to get their writing juices flowing. We also have a large communal gathering space with comfy chairs, coffee, tea, juice soda and snacks and a Wii.

Want more information, check out our website at www.CubeSpacePDX.com, send us an email at info@CubeSpacePDX.com, or give us a call at 503-206-3500.”

So, if you plan on developing a pathological post-election avoidance of global situations that you really can’t change with intermittent fits of eye-rolling and cheap sessions of pre-interview palm electrolysis, and you need something meaningful to do between the manifestations of your recently renewed interest in vigorous prayer and bead-rubbing (do with that what you will), why not pick up a pen, friend, and write your life’s work alongside other wayward Portlanders during National Novel Writing Month?

(Did I mention also too that run-on sentences are actually encouraged, and also, you can drink all of that crazy Joe’s six-pack either alone or with us others who are also too in Portland, also???)

Join NaNoWriMo. Do it for the children. And please leave a comment and tell us you signed up, lest Betsy fire me only a couple of weeks in. OK I’ll shut up now.