Porn store….6am….phone rings…..it’s a creepy guy who sounds like he’s hiding behind someone’s couch.
Creepy Guy: “Do you have an arcade with private viewing rooms?”
Me: “Yes we do.”
Creepy Guy: “How does it work? I mean like…how do guys….you know, like…hook up back there?”
Bullshit. This guy knows exactly how these things work.
Me: “If you hang out back there in the shark tank for any extended period of time, you won’t need anyone to explain how the hooking up part works.”
Creepy Guy: “Ok….I’ll come down there and check it out.”
Hangs up…..phone rings again 30 seconds later…..guess who?
Creepy Guy: “If I come down there, will you be there?”
Me: “Yeah, for another hour.”
Creepy Guy: “Will you go back there with me and…..help me with my fantasy?”
I’ve been awake and working for the better part of the last 30 hours….I don’t need this shit.
Me: “No.”
Creepy Guy: “Ok….well, I’ll come down and check it out anyway.”
Hangs up….phone rings again 30 seconds later….I answer in my “I don’t need this shit” voice.
Me: “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
Creepy Guy: “Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to call back and say I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Me: (trying not to laugh) “That’s ok. Bye…..”
I hang up and consider leaving the phone off the hook, but this is at least slightly more entertaining than perusing the latest issue of “Forced Womanhood”. This time it takes him about 45 seconds to call back.
Me: “Look, this is funny and everything, but here’s the bottom line: You can’t afford me.”
Creepy Guy: “Why not?”
Me: “Because….I’ve got a hot ass and it’s very very……….expensive. So…..forget it.”
Creepy Guy: “But it’s my fantasy to be with the guy running the store.”
Me: “Then call back after 7….the guy coming on after me will take care of you.”
Actually the guy coming on at 7 is….well….we’ll just call him The Heavy. If the porn shop were a hockey team The Heavy would be our goon. I’ve seen The Heavy go after groups of guys twice his size and if they are foolish enough to not back down….they all receive a merciless beatdown. His motto is, “I’m just waiting to die, so I’ll take a few of you with me.” Just don’t mess with this guy….trust me. And sure enough, the phone rings at 7:05. The Heavy answers and immediately sounds annoyed. The conversation is even funnier because I can only hear his half of it.
The Heavy: “No….I’m here now, what can I do for you? Your what? (voice switches over to the “I’m going to kill you” mode) Yeah sure…..I can help you with your fantasy…..as long as your fantasy is being face down on the pavement while I stomp your friggin’ head in! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!”
Sometimes I love this place. DVD title of the week? “Diesel Dongs 4″
{ 6 comments }
I’m concerned about your stalker. He may be someone who will go through with his fantasy. Be sure to keep the mace and baseball bat at hand and make sure the lingerie models next door know karate so they can come to your aid if need be.
or, just look menacingly at every douche who walks in the door.
Bear guard! The boyo used to work at what USED to be some unsavory locations at the Plaid and he swears by it!
I also have a boken that you could borrow…
How do you know it’s not just someone fucking with you?? You know, that maybe upgraded from the whole, “Is your refrigerator running?” thing? Just wondering.
You need to put these on a separate blog. Always great! Excellent writing and funny!
@Dieselboi – AH-HA!!! It’s you isn’t it? I knew it….
@capricious – I will check the Bear Guard out….and I’m 99.9% certain it’s a 100% sick ass bastard who’s hot to grab me in the goulash.
@Mizz – What are you saying? Am I too offensive? Is there an Old Dirty Bastards.com that I would be more appropriate for?
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