When the weather is nice, clothing comes off. Absorbing those last rays of summer sun? It’s now or never, or at least until next year. With today’s 86 degree temperatures, there was no shortage of skin as I rode the bus around. I witnessed an amusing incident that I just have to share. Caution: Indecent (?) behavior ahead!

As we rolled along on one of the frequent service lines, the bus pulled up to a stop where a young man appeared to be changing clothes. He was shirtless, and wearing low-slung pants. I’m familiar with the ’sagging’ (aka droopy drawers) thing, but this had a twist. No red checkered boxers to show off. Or any other underwear, for that matter.

The fellow was wrestling with a suitcase, an umbrella, a bicycle helmet, ( but no bike) and trying to keep his pants up. In his defense, only the top of his butt-crack was exposed, but the driver noticed immediately. “No one wants to see that. Pull your pants up!”

A touch of humility would have made this go away, but the rider replied, “Fuck you, I’ll dress however I please. You can’t even see my ass yet anyway.” True, he hadn’t turned his back to the driver.

Yet.

“One more outburst from you and I’ll have the cops take you off the bus!”

“Yeah, what the fuck ever!”

The driver started the procedure for calling the cops. He called dispatch, and as soon as he did Mister Underdressed stood up, wiggled his pants/bike shorts down so about half his ass was exposed, then retook his seat. I couldn’t help smiling when I saw this, but it outraged another passenger. “Hey! Pull your pants up! There’s fucking kids on this bus!”

This put Pantsdown on the defense even more. “What a prude! Haven’t you been to the fountains this year? People are showing way more skin than me!”

Mister Underdressed pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911. “I’m on a TriMet bus, and the driver is harassing me! Yes, sexual harassment. Yes, I’m gay, and he says I’m improperly dressed.” Pause. “I was having trouble keeping my pants up and he-” Pause. “Oh, what the fuck EVER!” He closed his cell phone.

The bus pulled up in front of a grocery store. As the passengers disembarked, Pantsdown gathered his things and fell into line. Last one off the bus, he stopped right in front of the passengers waiting to board, and dropped his pants to knee level, aiming a winking brown eye straight at the bus driver. THIS took the moral outrage to a whole new level.

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“HEY!”

“Ha!” That was me. I love a good mooning.

Oncoming passengers got the story from several sources. The lady calling work, using a novel excuse for being late. The Amish-looking kid who called 911. The guy behind me who said, “If my daughter had been on this bus, I’d have ripped his fucking face off! There’s fucking kids on this bus!”

The only people not caring about this whole escapade were the children, who were paying no attention. The bus driver urged everyone on the bus to call 911. “He’s walking down the street, you can still see his butt-crack. He’s probably the only guy with no shirt, black pants and an umbrella. Everyone call!”

Soon a TriMet supervisor stopped the bus, and explained why they couldn’t arrest him. He’d gotten off the bus, and hadn’t broken any laws, other than using the F-word at the driver. (Who I think used it first, albeit quietly.)

The supervisor continued, “Nudity per se is not illegal, unless he’s trying to sexually arouse someone.”

“But he’s obviously gay! Doesn’t that make it sexual harassment?” asked the driver.

Talk about theater of the absurd. Maybe I have callouses on my brain from working nights downtown, but I see way more egregious behavior on the bus or train than lowrider pants, or even a mooning. No one was complaining about the multiple teenage girls wearing mini-skirts, or the one gal’s halter top that kept gapping on the side. Where was the moral outrage there? What upset me most was all these folks with their bowels in an uproar over this guy’s butt-crack were yelling “fucking” this and “fucking” that for the children. I can just see breakfast tomorrow. “Gimme some fuckin’ oatmeal, Mom.”

It made the rest of the bus ride anti-climactic, that’s for fucking sure. (Oops, sorry. My bad. Blame it on mob mentality…) If anything comes of it, I’m sure it’ll be on YouTube; TriMet’s bus cameras caught the whole thing.

What do you think? What’s more offensive, a hilarious mooning? Or one-sided homophobic outrage complete with words you can’t say on broadcast TV?

The children want to know…