Esteemed Citizens of Portland. I present to you a satiric sing-along tune. For your convenience, you might wish to sing it to the tune of Kenny Rogers’ 1978 classic, The Gambler (a protected song which is fully owned by its copyright holders, any use of which is forbidden without the express written consent of said parties). That is, unless you have another tune in mind, in which case I recommend that you sing it to the melody of your choice.

The Meth Head

On a rainy fall evening - On a street in Southeast Portland
I ran into a meth head - We were both too amped to sleep
So we just sat there looking - Out the window of the bus stop
TriMet was running late - And he was babbling

He said, I have fed my habit - By robbing people’s places
And knowing where their laptops were - By the shadows cast at night
I couldn’t help but notice - That you have got a bad cold
For a taste of your cough syrup - I’ll shed a little light

So I passed him my medicine - And he chugged down my ephedrine
Then he ground his teeth - And scratched at his skin
Then his ears started ringing - And he got a blank expression
Said, If you’re gonna break and enter - You gotta learn how to get in

>>> You got to know when to break in - Know when to snake in
Know where the jewelry is - Open every drawer
You never count the earrings - When you’re in a stranger’s bedroom
You can think about the pawn shops - When you’re out the door

(Key Change)

Every meth head knows - The way to get some fast cash
Is to post it quick on Craigslist - And then to hock the rest
Cause the first puff’s a good time - And the next puff’s not quite so good
And if you don’t change your foolish ways - (You may experience panic and a loss of appetite and a false sense of confidence and an increase in heart rate and mutter rapidly and lose weight and your job and get disgusting sores on your face and have your mom take away your stash of Hubba Bubba chewing gum and get kicked out of your house and eventually get careless and desperate and get arrested stealing fashionable garments from JC Penneys. . . Or if that is too many syllables. . .) You might die an early death

And when he stopped tweaking - He got up from the bus stop
Spit out a rotten tooth - There’s no way he could sleep
And out in Felony Flats - The meth head robbed my neighbor
But in his nutty speech I got - Some crystal thoughts for cheap

(Chorus 3x)